Introduction
Summary of the Book Better Sex Through Mindfulness by Lori A. Brotto Before we proceed, let’s look into a brief overview of the book. Close your eyes for a moment and picture a quiet space within yourself, a place where you can sense every breath, every gentle shift of your thoughts, without judgment. In that space, imagine gradually applying this calm, focused awareness to something as personal and intimate as your sex life. Instead of feeling rushed, uncertain, or disconnected, you begin to notice subtle sensations, gentle invitations from your body and mind to be fully present. You learn that sexual difficulties are more common than you thought, that negative beliefs can be challenged, that distractions can be tamed, and that both pleasure and pain can be understood more clearly. By engaging with these ideas, you’re taking a step toward a deeper, richer sexual experience—one guided by curiosity, kindness, and honesty. As you proceed, remember: your journey toward mindful, satisfying intimacy starts right now.
Chapter 1: Realizing That Sexual Difficulties Are Far More Common Than You Might Ever Imagine.
Imagine feeling uncertain about whether something is wrong with you because sometimes you just don’t enjoy sex the way you think everyone else does. Maybe you’ve heard people say that sex is always supposed to be easy, fun, and exciting. But the truth is that problems and doubts about sexual experiences are a normal part of life for many women. Studies from different places around the world show that sexual difficulties are not rare at all. It might surprise you that many women have struggled with low sexual desire, difficulty reaching orgasm, or pain during sexual activity. These problems aren’t talked about openly, so it can feel like everyone else is having an amazing sex life except you. By understanding that these issues are common, you can start to feel less alone and more willing to seek ways to improve your own situation.
In fact, large-scale surveys and careful research have shown that nearly half of all women experience some kind of sexual difficulty at some point. This can range from just not feeling like having sex as often as expected, to facing real pain and discomfort. Even though it’s normal, many women feel embarrassed or hesitant to talk about it. They might fear they will be judged or that admitting these problems will label them as abnormal. But think about it: if so many people are experiencing similar things, how could it be considered truly unusual? Recognizing that your experience is part of a larger pattern can make you feel less isolated and more confident in seeking help or trying new approaches, rather than feeling stuck or worried.
Why aren’t crowded waiting rooms full of women waiting to talk to specialists about these challenges if they’re so widespread? One reason is that many people don’t see sexual difficulties as something important enough to seek professional help for. Others might not even know that there are trained experts who specialize in helping individuals or couples navigate these challenges. Sometimes, women simply adapt to less satisfying sex and never realize that there’s a way to improve things. Understanding that sexual difficulties are common encourages women to shake off the myth that everyone else is having perfect sex. With this new awareness, it’s easier to imagine that solutions, guidance, or changes in thinking and behavior could make a real difference.
Accepting that sexual difficulties are normal is like opening a door to new possibilities. When you stop blaming yourself or feeling ashamed, you are more prepared to look at what might help. Maybe your worries aren’t just in your head. Perhaps there are specific exercises, conversations with a partner, or new techniques to explore that could improve your experience. Understanding that many women have walked down this same path and found relief makes it easier to try something new. Instead of fearing judgment, you can learn from others who have faced similar problems. This acknowledgment, right from the start, helps form a healthier mindset. By knowing you’re not alone, you gain courage and willingness to figure out what might truly work for you.
Chapter 2: Understanding How Your Mood, Thoughts, And Beliefs Quietly Shape Your Sexual Desire.
Sex might seem like a physical act, but it’s also strongly connected to what’s going on in your head. Your mood, thoughts, and beliefs can all influence whether you feel excited about having sex or prefer to avoid it. Imagine times when you’ve felt sad, worried, or stressed out. In such moments, even activities you normally enjoy can seem unappealing, and that includes sexual intimacy. Women who experience depression often find that their interest in sex fades. This isn’t because there’s something broken about them; it’s simply how mood and motivation work. Negative emotions can dim the spark that makes you want to be close to your partner. Understanding this link between feelings and desire helps you see that improving your mindset can improve how you feel about sex.
Consider beliefs, the stories you’ve been told about what sex should be like. Maybe you’ve heard that women naturally lose interest in sex as they get older, or that if sex isn’t amazing every single time, something must be terribly wrong. Such beliefs shape how you approach intimacy. If you expect to be bored or unfulfilled, you might not pay attention to the pleasant sensations when they do arise. On the other hand, people who believe that sex is a playful, connecting experience might feel more curious and open to exploring new forms of pleasure. By noticing the thoughts and beliefs you hold, you can challenge those that limit you and support those that make you feel more positive and excited.
Think about two women who are very similar, yet one looks forward to intimate moments while the other dreads them. Their different mindsets might explain why. One might think that sexual pleasure is a selfish or shameful act, while the other sees it as a loving form of connection. Attitudes like these can shape how your body responds. If you’re convinced something is meaningless or wrong, your mind might not let you fully relax and enjoy the experience. If you believe that pleasure is a natural, healthy part of life, you’re more likely to notice the small signals your body sends, encouraging you to feel more present and at ease.
Understanding that your thoughts and feelings play a big role in how you experience sex empowers you to make choices that lead to greater satisfaction. Just as changing your mindset in school or sports can help you perform better, shifting the way you think about intimacy can help you feel more enthusiastic and connected. You don’t have to accept limiting beliefs or gloomy moods as permanent barriers. By becoming more aware of these internal influences, you can start working on strategies—such as focusing on positive thoughts, challenging harmful ideas, or seeking help if you’re feeling down—that can lift your mood and transform your sexual experience into something more fulfilling and truly enjoyable.
Chapter 3: Discovering Why Constant Distractions And Racing Thoughts Keep Pleasure Out Of Reach.
Have you ever tried to pay attention to a fun movie while someone keeps texting you and you’re also checking your homework? It’s hard to enjoy the film because your mind is jumping around, never fully settling on one thing. This same issue can happen during sexual activity. Busy lives, endless chores, and buzzing phones can all scatter your attention. Instead of feeling the warmth of your partner’s touch or noticing the softness of the moment, your thoughts race toward tomorrow’s tasks, unanswered messages, or the argument you had earlier. These distractions make it challenging to feel present, reducing the chance that you’ll fully connect with the sensations and emotions that make sex enjoyable.
Research shows that when our minds drift during moments of intimacy, our bodies follow along. Even if our bodies start reacting positively, it’s much harder to keep that feeling going if our brains are thinking about something else. Just like how a song playing in the background might go unnoticed if you’re deeply focused on a tough math problem, positive sensations during sex might go unnoticed if your mind is busy reviewing your to-do list. Over time, this makes it feel like you’re missing something. You know sex could be better, but you can’t quite catch that feeling because your attention slips away so easily.
Multitasking is often praised in our modern world, but when it comes to intimate moments, it tends to backfire. The human brain isn’t truly built to handle multiple mental tasks at once without losing some quality of attention. Instead of smoothly handling several things, the brain quickly bounces between them, never fully committing. During sex, this mental hopping can leave you feeling disconnected. You might think you’re giving enough attention, but subtle sensations, changes in pressure, temperature, and touch go unnoticed. Before you know it, the moment is over, and you barely experienced it.
The key lesson is that being fully present can transform what might feel ordinary into something genuinely wonderful. By limiting distractions and giving yourself permission to focus completely on what’s happening in your body and mind, you invite more pleasure and deeper connection. It’s like shining a spotlight on each second of the experience. As you learn ways to gently bring your thoughts back when they wander, you’ll discover that every touch, sound, and sensation can become clearer, richer, and more meaningful. Overcoming distractions helps build a bridge to more satisfying encounters, where attention and awareness replace racing thoughts and scattered focus.
Chapter 4: Learning How Simple Mindfulness Techniques Keep You Fully Present In Each Moment.
Mindfulness is a way of focusing your mind on the present moment, noticing what you’re experiencing right now without judging it. Think of it as watching a play on stage without yelling at the actors or trying to rewrite the script. Instead, you simply see what’s happening, feel what you feel, and accept it. This approach is used by all sorts of people, from soldiers in training to busy office workers, to help them reduce stress and become more engaged in their lives. It can also be a powerful tool for improving your sexual experiences, because it trains you to notice every sensation as it unfolds.
One basic mindfulness exercise involves focusing on your breath. You find a comfortable place, close your eyes, and pay attention to each inhale and exhale. You notice the coolness of the air entering your nostrils, the rise and fall of your chest, and the subtle pause before you breathe out. When your mind starts drifting—maybe thinking about that homework assignment or what a friend said earlier—you gently guide it back to your breathing. Over time, this practice teaches you that thoughts will come and go, but you can choose not to chase after them. Instead, you learn to stay with what’s happening right now.
This skill is incredibly valuable during intimate moments. When you learn to be mindful, you’re training your brain to catch itself when it wanders away from the warmth of your partner’s touch, the quiet sounds of breathing, or the feeling of your own body’s excitement. Instead of losing yourself in worries or to-do lists, you can simply acknowledge those thoughts and let them pass. By doing so, you remain attentive to what is actually happening, opening the door to richer sensations, deeper connections, and more honest communication with your partner.
It might seem strange that something as simple as focusing on the present can have such a big impact on your sexual happiness, but the evidence is clear. Mindfulness exercises, practiced regularly, help people become more in tune with their bodies and minds. By learning to notice sensations without judging them as good or bad, you create room to experience pleasure more fully. Think of it like sharpening your senses: smells become richer, tastes become more delightful, and touches become more meaningful. Mindfulness trains you to appreciate each moment as it is, and that’s a powerful step toward improving your overall sexual experience.
Chapter 5: Using A Single Raisin To Unlock Hidden Layers Of Sensual Awareness During Sex.
Imagine holding a single raisin in your hand and studying it as if you’ve never seen one before. Instead of popping it into your mouth and chewing, you take time to notice its wrinkles, its color, and how it feels between your fingertips. You bring it closer to your nose, smelling it slowly, allowing yourself to fully sense its sweetness. You then place it gently on your tongue, feeling its texture and shape before biting down. This simple raisin exercise is often used to teach mindfulness, and it might sound silly at first. But this slow, careful observation trains you to notice tiny details you usually ignore, and that same skill can be applied to your sexual experiences.
During the raisin exercise, many people are shocked at how rich and intense the flavors and textures of a simple raisin can be when approached with full attention. They realize that they’ve been mindlessly eating handfuls of raisins without ever truly noticing the subtle differences in taste, aroma, or feeling. Translating this idea to sex means slowing down and becoming fully present during intimate moments. Instead of rushing through or only paying attention to certain parts of the experience, you begin to see each touch, sound, and movement in a new light. A simple stroke of a finger or a soft whisper in the ear can be appreciated much like savoring the tiny ridges and sweetness of that single raisin.
When people connect the raisin exercise to sex, they often realize they’ve been on autopilot. Just as they usually gobble a bunch of raisins at once, they might rush through sexual encounters without truly feeling each moment. By learning to slow down, they open themselves up to hidden layers of pleasure that were always there, just unnoticed. Sensations become sharper, the body’s responses become more meaningful, and even small changes in touch or pressure are felt more deeply. It’s an eye-opening realization: what if the lack of enjoyment wasn’t due to a missing spark, but simply due to not paying close enough attention?
In this way, the raisin exercise is a powerful example. It shows that by bringing mindfulness into everyday activities—like eating—you develop the skill of being present. With practice, this skill can transform sexual experiences. By focusing on each sensation with a curious, non-judgmental attitude, you find pleasure in places you never expected. This approach doesn’t require special tricks or expensive tools. It’s about learning to be here, now, with whatever sensations are happening. Once you understand that even a raisin can become surprisingly delightful, you’ll realize that by applying the same mindful attention to intimacy, you can unlock a whole new world of sexual awareness and enjoyment.
Chapter 6: Exploring The Strange Gap Between Physical Arousal And Emotional Engagement In Women.
It might seem logical that when the body shows signs of arousal—like increased blood flow or lubrication—the mind would automatically feel excited too. But women often experience something called sexual discordance, where the body reacts physically, yet the mind doesn’t feel turned on. For example, you might notice signs that your body is ready, but you’re still mentally distracted, bored, or even thinking about something completely unrelated to sex. This gap between body and mind can be confusing and frustrating. It might make you wonder why you don’t feel as excited as you think you should.
Scientists have studied this strange mismatch. They’ve shown that women’s bodies might respond to sexual images or touch, but their brains don’t always register the event as pleasurable or exciting. Instead, the mind might wander to everyday concerns or remain neutral. This doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It’s simply how female sexual response can work. The mind needs to be engaged and focused for the experience to feel truly enjoyable, not just physically, but emotionally too. Understanding that physical signals alone aren’t always enough helps you see that creating a satisfying experience involves guiding your mind back to the moment.
Over time, if the mind doesn’t tune into what the body is feeling, it becomes harder to enjoy sex. You might start blaming yourself, thinking you’re broken or abnormal. But really, this mismatch is quite common. The solution often lies in practicing techniques that help you pay attention to what’s happening inside you, both physically and mentally. Instead of expecting your body’s automatic reactions to lead your mind into excitement, you can learn to notice those body signals and use them as invitations to become more present. When your mind and body start talking to each other, the entire experience becomes richer and more pleasurable.
Learning to close this gap takes practice and patience. Mindfulness techniques, as discussed, teach you to notice sensations without judgment. By accepting that your mind may wander, you give yourself the chance to gently bring it back. Instead of criticizing yourself for not feeling instantly thrilled, you can approach each moment with curiosity, asking, What am I feeling right now? By doing so, you create a deeper connection between mind and body. Over time, this leads to moments where your emotional interest lines up smoothly with your body’s physical readiness, resulting in more fulfilling sexual experiences that involve both heart and body working together.
Chapter 7: Embracing The Power Of Body Acceptance And Mindful Self-Exploration For Greater Intimacy.
Many women carry secret insecurities about their bodies. They might worry about how they look, how they smell, or whether their partner finds them attractive. Such worries can become barriers during intimacy. If you’re too focused on hiding certain parts of your body or feeling embarrassed, it’s hard to relax and enjoy physical closeness. This discomfort often leads to moments where you push your partner’s hand away from places you find unattractive or you avoid certain positions that highlight body parts you dislike. Over time, these habits can block you from feeling fully connected and at ease.
Part of embracing mindfulness involves becoming more comfortable with your own body through gentle self-exploration. Instead of avoiding certain areas, you learn to look at yourself with curiosity rather than judgment. Using a mirror to explore your body can feel strange at first, but it’s a key step. As you observe your shape, your skin, and even your genitals, you learn that this is your unique body, worthy of care and appreciation. Understanding the differences between your vulva and vagina, and acknowledging that many women share similar shapes and variations, helps remove fear and shame. It’s about learning to appreciate that your body is natural, not something to be hidden.
With mindful self-exploration, you might also learn about what touches feel good and which sensations spark pleasure. By experimenting and noticing what feels comfortable, you gather information you can later share with a partner. This knowledge helps you communicate more openly about what you like, building trust and understanding. When you no longer see your body as something flawed but as a source of positive feelings, the entire sexual experience transforms. Instead of worrying about how you look, you focus on how you feel. This mental shift paves the way for more rewarding and satisfying moments.
Body acceptance isn’t achieved overnight. It’s a journey filled with small steps. Mindfulness helps by allowing you to notice negative thoughts without being controlled by them. Instead of panicking when a self-critical thought appears, you acknowledge it and let it go. Over time, these skills make you more comfortable in your own skin, and that comfort translates into intimacy. Your partner will likely sense your increased confidence, and together you can enjoy more genuine and meaningful closeness. Embracing body acceptance and mindful self-exploration frees you to discover deeper pleasure and stronger connections, rather than feeling held back by insecurities.
Chapter 8: Applying Mindfulness Techniques To Ease And Relieve Painful Sexual Experiences Deeply And Permanently.
For some women, sexual contact brings not just discomfort but actual pain. Conditions like provoked vestibulodynia (PVD) cause a painful burning sensation even with gentle touches. This pain can make women dread intimacy, worry about disappointing their partners, or feel broken. It’s not just physical; the emotional toll can be heavy, making it hard to enjoy any aspect of sex. Doctors might prescribe creams or medications that offer little relief. The pain can seem mysterious, unpredictable, and deeply upsetting, often leading to avoidance or fear of sexual encounters.
Mindfulness might seem like an unlikely solution to pain. After all, why would focusing on pain help? The surprising answer is that by paying careful attention to the sensations, you can actually reduce their impact. Instead of panicking when pain appears, mindfulness teaches you to notice the exact qualities of the discomfort—its intensity, how long it lasts, and where it spreads. By observing pain in this calm, focused way, you give your mind something different to do, rather than fighting or fearing the sensation. This helps prevent your brain from viewing the pain as a horrible threat, which often makes it feel worse.
Through mindful practice, some women find that the pain lessens over time. Others discover that even when pain remains, they can separate the physical sensation from the emotional distress, making it easier to manage. This process empowers women to reclaim their sexual lives. Instead of feeling powerless, they learn to accept pain as one of many possible sensations, no longer giving it the power to dictate their entire experience. By reducing fear and tension, the body might become more relaxed, which can also help ease pain.
This approach can be life-changing for women who thought they would never enjoy sex again. Mindfulness doesn’t always erase the pain, but it can significantly change the way it’s felt and understood. With practice, women gain confidence in their ability to handle discomfort. As they learn to welcome pleasant sensations and manage painful ones, they regain a sense of control. Over time, intimacy can become less about bracing for pain and more about exploring pleasant feelings, warmth, and connection. Mindfulness offers a path to hope, showing that even challenging conditions like PVD can be managed in a way that allows for a richer, more satisfying sexual life.
Chapter 9: Strengthening Your Desire By Attending To Each Sensation With Gentle Curiosity And Patience.
If you’ve ever tried to listen closely to a piece of music, noticing every instrument, you know that careful attention can reveal details you never caught before. The same goes for sexual experiences. When you slow down and pay attention to each touch, breath, and movement, you might find that desire begins to grow naturally. Curiosity is a powerful tool here. Instead of feeling pressured to be excited right away, you simply explore what’s happening in your body. This patient, gentle curiosity often awakens interest and can lead to stronger sexual desire over time.
Mindfulness exercises teach you to observe sensations without rushing to judge them as good or bad. Maybe at first, you feel only a slight warmth or mild pressure. Instead of quickly moving on, you stay with that feeling, noticing if it changes or grows more pleasant. As you do this, your mind becomes a partner in your body’s exploration, helping you discover pleasure in smaller, subtler sensations. Over time, these small sparks can build into a flame of desire that feels more genuine and connected than a forced attempt to get turned on.
This patient approach also helps remove the pressure to perform or meet certain expectations. If you’re not feeling excitement immediately, that’s okay. You learn that desire can grow gradually, like a plant needing water, sunlight, and time. By being present, you create a welcoming environment for desire to emerge naturally. Instead of feeling disappointment or worry, you become curious: What if I focus more on this gentle touch for a while? This shift in attitude can make all the difference, turning what used to feel like a struggle into a kind of playful experiment.
As you continue practicing, you’ll likely find that desire appears more frequently and stays longer. The body and mind learn that they can trust these moments, that they can relax and explore without judgment. Instead of seeing desire as something that should just magically appear, you understand it as something you cultivate through attention and care. With time, this makes sexual experiences feel richer, more comfortable, and more emotionally meaningful. By attending to each sensation with patience and an open heart, you allow your own desire to bloom, creating a path toward more satisfying intimacy.
Chapter 10: Weaving Mindfulness And Openness Into Your Life For A Healthier Sexual Future.
All the ideas we’ve discussed—understanding common difficulties, noticing the influence of thoughts and mood, managing distractions, practicing mindfulness, exploring your body, dealing with pain, and nurturing desire—come together to form a new way of approaching intimacy. Just as learning to cook a meal requires time, patience, and willingness to try different techniques, learning to improve your sexual experiences is a process. The goal is not perfection, but growth. You can think of this journey as weaving a tapestry, with each new skill adding color and pattern to your life.
The changes might be subtle at first. Perhaps you start by focusing on your breath, bringing your attention back when it wanders. Then you try the raisin exercise and realize how much detail you’ve been missing. Later, you explore your body in front of a mirror, discovering that your fears and negative beliefs aren’t as permanent as you thought. Over time, you may notice that distractions don’t pull you away from the moment as easily. Instead of feeling frustrated by pain, you might learn to handle it calmly. Instead of feeling pressured for instant desire, you learn to cultivate it gently.
This new approach doesn’t just improve sexual intimacy; it can positively affect your entire life. Mindfulness, body acceptance, and open communication can lead to better relationships, less stress, and a clearer understanding of your own needs. When you realize that you can control how you pay attention, how you respond to feelings, and how you communicate with a partner, you gain confidence. This confidence spills over into everyday activities, improving how you handle challenges at school, work, or in friendships. A healthy sexual future is part of a healthier, happier you.
The journey doesn’t end after you’ve mastered a few techniques. It’s a continuous process of learning, adjusting, and growing. There will be days when thoughts distract you or doubts creep back in, and that’s okay. Mindfulness teaches you to accept these moments without losing hope. Over time, you’ll become more skilled at returning to the present, at noticing and appreciating what’s happening now. As you do, you’ll realize that sex can be a deeply meaningful, satisfying part of your life—one that evolves with you, guided by mindfulness, openness, and a willingness to keep exploring.
All about the Book
Unlock deeper connections and enhance intimacy with mindfulness practices. Lori A. Brotto’s ‘Better Sex Through Mindfulness’ guides readers to explore their sexuality, improve relationships, and embrace a fulfilling sex life through awareness and presence.
Dr. Lori A. Brotto is a renowned sexologist and clinical psychologist specializing in sexuality, mindfulness, and women’s health, dedicated to empowering individuals towards fulfilling, healthy sexual experiences.
Psychologists, Sex Therapists, Relationship Counselors, Sex Educators, Wellness Coaches
Meditation, Yoga, Couples Retreats, Self-Help Reading, Mindfulness Workshops
Low sexual desire, Sexual anxiety, Relationship intimacy issues, Body image concerns
Mindfulness invites us to connect with our bodies and desires in a non-judgmental way, opening doors to deeper intimacy and authentic pleasure.
Esther Perel, Dan Savage, Angela Davis
American Psychological Association Award for Distinguished Scientific Contributions, Sexual Health Awards, Mindfulness in Education Award
1. How can mindfulness improve your sexual experiences? #2. What techniques help increase sexual pleasure and satisfaction? #3. How does mindfulness address common sexual concerns? #4. Can mindfulness enhance emotional intimacy with a partner? #5. What role does breath play in sexual mindfulness? #6. How can you cultivate a more positive body image? #7. What strategies help reduce performance anxiety in bed? #8. How can mindfulness practices improve communication in relationships? #9. What is the connection between stress and sexual desire? #10. How can mindfulness increase awareness of sexual sensations? #11. What are effective ways to practice being present during sex? #12. How can visualization techniques enhance sexual arousal? #13. What mindfulness exercises support overcoming sexual trauma? #14. How can you develop a more satisfying sexual connection? #15. What impact does self-compassion have on sexuality? #16. How can mindful touch deepen intimacy with a partner? #17. What are the benefits of exploring sexuality mindfully? #18. How can couples use mindfulness to reconnect sexually? #19. What are the effects of distractions on sexual enjoyment? #20. How can you maintain mindfulness throughout your sexual journey?
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https://www.amazon.com/Better-Sex-Through-Mindfulness/dp/1682990172
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