Introduction
Summary of the book Thanks for the Feedback by Douglas Stone, Sheila Heen. Let us start with a brief introduction of the book. Picture yourself at the start of a long, winding journey. You carry with you many hopes: to do well in school, to build strong friendships, to find success in your activities. Along the way, people will offer hints, advice, encouragement, and yes, even criticism. Together, these form what we call feedback. Sometimes it’s gentle, like a friend saying, You’ve gotten better at playing the piano. Other times it’s tough to swallow, like a teacher noting that your essay lacked clear structure. Feedback can make your heart lift or sink, but it always contains a valuable message. By learning to understand different types of feedback, decoding it carefully, and managing the emotions it triggers, you gain a powerful tool. Instead of feeling threatened by criticism, you become hungry for insights that help you grow. This book invites you to embrace feedback, turning each comment into a stepping stone toward your best self.
Chapter 1: Understanding the Varied Forms of Feedback and How Each Type Serves a Unique Purpose.
Imagine you are trying out for your school’s basketball team. You practice hard, show up on time, and finally perform in front of the coach. After the tryout, the coach approaches you, smiles, and says, You showed real determination out there. This kind of response makes you feel valued and recognized; it’s a positive burst of appreciation. But what if, instead of just praising you, the coach also gives you tips on how to improve your shooting technique or how to position your feet more effectively on defense? That would be coaching, a form of feedback meant to guide you toward becoming better. Then there’s a third type of feedback: evaluation. This happens when the coach ranks you among other players or explains whether you’ve made the team. Each of these three forms—appreciation, coaching, and evaluation—has a specific function, and understanding them helps you absorb feedback more wisely.
When people give you feedback, it’s not always random advice tossed around for no reason. Think of feedback as a set of three powerful tools. Appreciation celebrates what you’ve done well, motivates you when you feel drained, and comforts you when you doubt your worth. Coaching, on the other hand, pushes you forward. It directs your attention to areas that need improvement and encourages skill development. Finally, evaluation measures where you stand. It’s like a reality check that tells you, This is your level right now compared to certain standards. Knowing exactly which type of feedback you are receiving makes it easier not to feel confused or frustrated. With this clarity, you can decide what to do next—enjoy the praise, work on your flaws, or acknowledge your position—and move confidently toward your goals.
Imagine being handed back a test paper with a single grade on top. That grade might give you a snapshot of your current standing, but it won’t teach you how to do better next time. To grow, you need more than just evaluation. You need coaching that highlights the logic errors you made and suggests ways to avoid them. Similarly, if you’ve been working tirelessly and feel depleted, pure evaluation might not lift your spirits. At that moment, a heartfelt You’ve really worked hard, and I admire your effort might be exactly what you need to regain your energy. On the flip side, if you’re already confident and enthusiastic, but lacking direction, appreciation alone won’t help. You might crave coaching instead. Understanding which type of feedback fits your situation allows you to seek it out and use it effectively.
Once you identify which type of feedback would be most useful, you can proactively ask for it. If you hope to perfect your writing style, request coaching: Could you show me how to structure my paragraphs better? If you’re feeling underappreciated after pouring your heart into a project, ask for acknowledgment of the effort: Did you notice how long I spent refining this presentation? If you’re unsure where you stand among your peers, evaluation could help: How does my performance compare to what’s generally expected at this stage? By knowing precisely which form of feedback you need, you not only open the door to clearer communication but also make the entire feedback process smoother and more meaningful. Your growth then becomes purposeful, guided by the right kind of input that matches your present needs and long-term ambitions.
Chapter 2: Learning to Decode Feedback So You Don’t Misunderstand Its Real Meaning.
Picture yourself driving a friend through busy city streets. After a few close calls and sudden stops, your friend blurts out, You’re such a reckless driver! At first, you might get defensive or brush off the comment as rude and unfair. But what if you pause and think: What does my friend actually mean by ‘reckless driver’? Maybe they really mean, You keep checking your phone at the stoplights and it makes me nervous. When feedback feels confusing or hurtful, it often lacks context. Without details, comments can leave us guessing or feeling unjustly judged. A single phrase might carry a hidden message that can only be understood by exploring the reasons behind it. By stepping back and asking clarifying questions—like What makes you say that?—we can uncover the true intention and learn from it.
Misunderstanding feedback can happen easily because both the giver and the receiver have different perspectives and priorities. The person giving the feedback may assume their message is obvious, while you, as the listener, might not see the problem in the same light. A teacher who comments, You need to participate more in class, might mean you have great ideas but rarely share them. However, you might interpret the same comment as an attack on your personality, thinking, They must think I’m shy and boring. To avoid this trap, try to imagine the situation from their point of view. Are they seeing something you haven’t noticed yet? Could they have access to information—like overall class participation patterns—that you don’t? Understanding their viewpoint helps prevent jumping to conclusions and encourages calmer, more constructive responses.
Our own sense of self can block us from hearing feedback clearly. We may feel like we already know everything about how we behave or perform. A manager might tell you that you need to improve your communication style with clients, and because you feel confident about your ability to explain things, you dismiss this advice. That can’t be right, you think, I’m very clear when I talk! But remember, others can sometimes see what we cannot. They might have data or experiences you’re not aware of. Customers might have reported confusion, or colleagues might notice your tone is harsher than you realize. By recognizing that our view of ourselves can be limited and sometimes rose-colored, we make room for other perspectives. This openness can transform seemingly negative feedback into valuable guidance.
The key to decoding feedback is to remain curious and ask the right questions. Instead of shutting down when you hear something that stings, consider asking: Can you give me an example? or What would you suggest I do differently? These inquiries help you fill in missing details and guide you toward practical steps for improvement. They also show the person giving the feedback that you respect their viewpoint and want to learn from it. Over time, practicing this approach teaches you to see feedback not as a personal attack or a random opinion, but as information you can use. With a clearer understanding of what’s behind each comment, you can calmly decide how to respond, adjusting your habits if needed or simply clarifying misunderstandings before they grow into bigger problems.
Chapter 3: Using Feedback to Reveal the Hidden Blind Spots You Never Knew You Had.
Imagine watching a recording of yourself during a group conversation. You might be startled to see how often you interrupt others or how your face tightens whenever someone challenges you. In real life, you may believe you come across as open-minded and kind. This difference between how we see ourselves and how others perceive us is known as a blind spot. Everyone has these hidden areas: habits, tones of voice, or facial expressions we’re unaware of. Feedback helps reveal these blind spots. Without honest input from outside observers, we might never realize that our attempts at appearing friendly seem forced or that our confidence sometimes comes off as arrogance. Uncovering these blind spots feels uncomfortable at first, but think of it like turning on a bright flashlight in a dark room: It’s shocking momentarily, yet it allows you to see what’s really there.
Why do blind spots occur? Partly because we experience our behaviors from the inside out. When we smile, we know we’re just trying to be nice, but other people only see the expression on our face and sense whether it feels genuine. Similarly, when we get angry or frustrated, we might blame the situation—like a stressful morning or a rushed schedule—while others just see anger. Over time, these differences in perception create a gap between the person we think we are and the impression we actually leave on others. Feedback acts as a bridge between these two worlds. It challenges our self-image, making us more aware of small signals we send out without noticing.
To make the most of feedback that reveals blind spots, it helps to stay curious. Instead of instantly pushing back—No way, I’m not unfriendly!—ask for more detail: What made me seem unfriendly to you? Listening closely to their observations can uncover patterns. Perhaps it’s the way you rarely ask others about their day, or the way you roll your eyes when someone shares an idea you dislike. Recognizing these habits is the first step toward changing them. Think of it as fine-tuning an instrument. If someone says your guitar is out of tune, you may not hear it at first, but once they point it out and teach you to listen more carefully, you’ll notice it too.
Embracing feedback about blind spots means being brave enough to admit that your self-portrait might not be fully accurate. This courage allows you to grow. Once you understand that others might see you differently than you see yourself, you can adjust your words, body language, or tone accordingly. Over time, these adjustments help you present yourself more authentically and kindly. As you learn to trust these outside perspectives, your self-awareness deepens. You become someone who not only knows what you intend to communicate but also understands how those messages are received. This expanded awareness makes you more effective in teamwork, friendships, and leadership roles, because you can align your actions with the impact you want to have on others.
Chapter 4: Realizing How Your Relationships Shape the Way You Interpret Feedback.
Have you ever noticed that when a close friend criticizes your work, it might sting less than when a competitive classmate does the same? Or maybe you readily trust feedback from a favorite teacher, but completely dismiss it when it comes from a younger sibling. The relationship you have with someone influences how you interpret their comments. If you believe that the person giving feedback genuinely cares about your growth, you’re more likely to accept their advice. On the other hand, if you suspect hidden motives—maybe they’re jealous, or they don’t truly understand your situation—you might immediately reject their words. Being aware of this dynamic helps you think more clearly about the feedback itself instead of getting lost in your feelings about who said it.
Imagine your basketball coach gives you advice on improving your jump shot. You trust the coach’s knowledge and believe they want the team to succeed, so you accept the feedback eagerly. Now, suppose a coworker at your part-time job tells you that you handle customers poorly, yet you’ve always felt this coworker was competing with you for shifts. Even if their feedback is accurate, you might be tempted to ignore it because you’re focused on their intentions, not the content of what they said. This shows how our perceptions of relationships color our understanding of feedback. To grow, we must learn to separate the message from the messenger.
This isn’t always easy. Close relationships can add layers of complexity. You might feel that your parents’ suggestions are attempts to control your life rather than helpful guidance. Or maybe a friend’s well-meaning critique about your fashion choices hurts because you’ve always admired their style and hoped they saw you as equally stylish. In these cases, emotions and personal history swirl around the feedback, making it hard to evaluate the suggestions on their own merit. By recognizing that these emotional layers exist, you can try to peel them back. Ask yourself, If this same advice came from someone neutral, would I find it helpful? If the answer is yes, don’t let your complicated feelings about the person overshadow the potential value of their words.
Learning to interpret feedback without letting relationship dynamics dominate requires patience and maturity. It may help to remind yourself that even people you dislike can have sharp insights. Likewise, people you love might give incomplete or flawed feedback occasionally. Ultimately, feedback should be judged by its usefulness, clarity, and relevance to your goals. This takes practice. Over time, you’ll get better at hearing what’s being said, rather than just reacting to who’s saying it. This skill empowers you to grow, refine your abilities, and become more versatile in the face of criticism. By understanding how relationships shape your initial reactions, you gain control over your responses, choosing not to discard helpful advice just because of who delivered it.
Chapter 5: Discovering How Personal and Social Tensions Complicate the Giving and Receiving of Feedback.
Sometimes, even when two people know each other well, feedback can feel like stepping into a minefield. Imagine a long-time friend telling you that your jokes are becoming repetitive and less funny. If you’ve always prided yourself on your sense of humor, you might feel threatened or disappointed. Or consider a coworker who competes with you for promotion opportunities. Their guidance might be correct, but your suspicion that they aim to undermine you can create tension. These complicated emotions arise because feedback touches on our sense of identity, our pride, and our relationships. When we worry that feedback might expose our weaknesses or give others a reason to judge us, we become defensive.
Social hierarchies also influence how people handle feedback. A boss speaking to an employee might trigger feelings of fear or resentment. An older sibling advising a younger one can stir up a mix of admiration and annoyance. Cultural factors matter too. In some cultures, direct criticism is considered honest and helpful, while in others, it might be seen as rude or too blunt. Conflicting expectations can leave both the giver and receiver feeling misunderstood. To manage these tensions, try focusing on the actual content of the feedback. Is there anything useful, any piece of information that could help you improve or see things from a better angle? By doing this, you turn potentially uncomfortable exchanges into learning experiences.
Your emotional state also plays a role. If you’ve had a terrible day and someone suddenly points out a small mistake, it can feel like a personal attack. Under stress, small criticisms loom larger, and constructive suggestions might feel like insults. However, if you’re feeling confident and calm, even a blunt statement about your performance might roll off you more easily, allowing you to consider its merits without feeling wounded. Paying attention to your emotional state helps you understand why certain feedback hurts more at certain times. If you know you’re feeling fragile, you can remind yourself not to overreact.
Tension in relationships during feedback sessions isn’t necessarily bad; sometimes it signals that something important is at stake. Perhaps it’s a sign you care deeply about how you’re perceived, or that someone else cares enough to try helping you improve. Instead of backing away from this tension, acknowledge it. You might say, I’m feeling a bit defensive right now, but I still want to understand your feedback. Such honesty can defuse hostility and keep conversations constructive. Over time, recognizing and managing these tensions builds emotional resilience. You learn that while feedback might sting, it doesn’t have to define your relationship. Instead, it can help you both communicate more openly, understand each other’s perspectives, and ultimately grow together.
Chapter 6: Recognizing How Different Roles, Environments, and Situations Shape the Feedback Experience.
Think about how your behavior changes depending on where you are and who you’re with. At home, you might be relaxed and playful, while at school, you might be more serious and focused. Your role—student, teammate, friend, employee—shapes how you give and receive feedback. A supervisor’s feedback might feel more official and intimidating than advice from a classmate, even if they say similar things. Similarly, feedback that comes in a classroom setting feels different from feedback in a casual chat among friends. When you understand how roles and environments color the meaning of feedback, you can better interpret its true value.
Consider a situation where a police officer pulls you over for speeding. In that moment, you’re the driver at fault, and the officer is the authority figure. Any feedback about your driving habits might feel more like a scolding than helpful advice. However, that same feedback given by a trusted driving instructor in a relaxed lesson might sound constructive and necessary. The relationship and roles both parties hold can either amplify or soften the emotional impact of feedback. Similarly, if a friend who has never worked in your field criticizes your approach to a professional task, you might dismiss their input as uninformed. If the same critique comes from a respected mentor with industry experience, you’ll likely pay closer attention.
Physical and social environments also affect feedback’s interpretation. Imagine an argument at a noisy party where everyone’s stressed, rushed, and easily distracted. Feedback given there—shouted over loud music—might sound more like an attack than advice. Contrast this with sitting quietly in a calm café, discussing improvements to your project with a supportive peer who is eager to help. The comfort, safety, and familiarity of a setting influence how openly you listen and how carefully you respond. The environment can either encourage honesty and clarity or pressure people into defensive, rushed reactions.
Furthermore, consider how events or external factors contribute to misunderstandings. If you’re hungry, tired, or worried about something else, even well-intentioned feedback might rub you the wrong way. The key to handling these challenges is to recognize that roles, environments, and conditions form a tapestry around any exchange of feedback. By acknowledging these influences, you can see beyond the immediate discomfort and tune into what truly matters: the insight the feedback offers. When you learn to filter out distractions, cultural misunderstandings, and role-based assumptions, you become better at extracting genuine value from feedback, regardless of who provides it or where it takes place.
Chapter 7: Understanding How Brain Wiring, Emotions, and Natural Tendencies Shape Your Response to Feedback.
Picture two people receiving the exact same piece of feedback. One shrugs it off and says, Thanks, I’ll try to improve, while the other becomes upset, feeling personally attacked. Why such a difference? Part of the answer lies in our genetic makeup and emotional wiring. Some individuals naturally maintain a more positive outlook, recovering quickly from setbacks or criticism. Others may struggle with negative feedback, replaying it in their minds and feeling gloomy for hours. Scientists have found that baseline happiness levels differ from person to person, influenced by our genes as much as by life experiences. A naturally optimistic person might handle feedback more gracefully, while someone more sensitive might need extra time and care to process it.
Beyond genetic tendencies, our brains are tuned to notice threats more than opportunities. In ancient times, paying attention to dangers—like lurking predators—was crucial for survival. Today, this bias still influences us, making negative feedback stand out more vividly than compliments. Even if ten people praise your work and one criticizes it, your mind might fixate on that single criticism. Recognizing this tendency helps you understand that feeling hurt or fixated on negative comments doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’re human. Over time, you can train yourself to balance these feelings by reminding yourself that one critical voice does not overshadow multiple encouraging ones.
Brain chemistry also affects how quickly you bounce back from emotional bruises. Some people’s brains take longer to recover from negative feedback, causing them to dwell on it. Others rebound quickly and move forward. Studies have shown that differences in brain activity can account for this variety of responses. Understanding that our emotional reactions are partly wired into us can be comforting. It means that if you tend to take feedback hard, you’re not doing something wrong. Still, this knowledge doesn’t mean you’re stuck. You can develop strategies—like taking a break before responding, talking to supportive friends, or writing down the feedback to process it logically—that help you handle tough comments more calmly.
Recognizing your emotional style and natural sensitivities empowers you. If you know you’re sensitive, you can choose times and places to receive feedback that feel safer and more controlled. You might read critical comments only after calming yourself with some deep breaths. If you know you tend to ignore praise and focus on criticism, you can make a conscious effort to remember positive feedback by writing it down or celebrating small achievements. Over time, these small adjustments help you become more balanced. You learn to view feedback not as a personal threat but as a tool for becoming better. Even if your first reaction is emotional, understanding the reasons behind it allows you to navigate those emotions, turning feedback into a stepping stone rather than a stumbling block.
Chapter 8: Nurturing a Growth Mindset to Embrace Feedback as a Catalyst for Improvement.
Imagine you think of yourself as just not good at math. Every time you receive feedback about a math assignment, you might feel hopeless or defensive, believing no improvement is possible. This is a fixed mindset—a belief that your talents, skills, and qualities are carved in stone. Now imagine shifting your perspective: I’m not great at math yet, but I can get better. This is a growth mindset, one that encourages continuous learning and adaptability. With a growth mindset, you see feedback as valuable information to help you learn, rather than as proof of your shortcomings. Instead of feeling defeated, you see each piece of advice as a puzzle piece guiding you toward better performance.
A growth mindset changes the entire feedback experience. Negative comments no longer threaten your sense of self. If someone says, You need to speak more clearly, instead of taking it as I’m a bad speaker, you learn to say, I have room to improve. Cultivating a growth mindset means you recognize that hard work, practice, and openness to suggestions can expand your abilities. This belief encourages you to embrace challenges, persist in the face of setbacks, and treat mistakes as stepping stones rather than final verdicts. By seeing yourself as a learner in progress, you become more resilient and confident, eager to welcome feedback because it points to where you can grow next.
Researcher Carol Dweck’s work on growth mindset shows how profoundly our beliefs influence our reactions to failure and criticism. Children who were praised for being smart tended to shy away from hard tasks, fearing they would lose their smart label if they failed. Children praised for their effort—an aspect they could control—welcomed challenges because their identities weren’t tied to being perfect from the start. The same applies to anyone, at any age. When your identity isn’t locked to a single trait—like being a natural artist or always good at sports—you gain freedom to experiment, make mistakes, and absorb feedback without feeling like it’s an attack on who you are.
Of course, having a growth mindset doesn’t mean you’ll become a pro at everything overnight. Some skills do come more naturally to certain people. However, many of the qualities we admire—creativity, communication, empathy, problem-solving—are like muscles. They strengthen with practice and guidance. Feedback is the weight you lift to build these muscles. Over time, the exercises become more comfortable. You learn to ask for feedback when you want to improve and to accept it with calm curiosity. Bit by bit, you step beyond your comfort zone, turning constructive criticism into a powerful ally rather than a dreaded enemy. Your growth mindset allows you to see feedback as a key ingredient in your journey, transforming what once felt like harsh judgment into helpful direction.
All about the Book
Unlock the power of feedback with ‘Thanks for the Feedback.’ Discover effective ways to receive, interpret, and utilize feedback for personal and professional growth in this insightful guide by renowned authors Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen.
Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen are acclaimed experts in communication and conflict resolution, renowned for their groundbreaking work on feedback and negotiation strategies, helping individuals and organizations foster effective dialogue.
Managers, Educators, HR professionals, Coaches, Team leaders
Public speaking, Self-improvement, Leadership training, Effective communication, Conflict resolution
Receiving feedback, Understanding intent behind feedback, Navigating difficult conversations, Enhancing personal growth through feedback
Feedback is not a gift; it’s a tool for growth.
Bill Gates, Brené Brown, Adam Grant
Amazon Best Seller, Wall Street Journal Bestseller, Harvard Business Review Must-Read
1. How can I better receive feedback from others? #2. What strategies can enhance my feedback-giving skills? #3. How do emotions impact my feedback reception? #4. What are the common misconceptions about feedback? #5. How can I differentiate between types of feedback? #6. What role does context play in giving feedback? #7. How can I prepare for receiving difficult feedback? #8. What techniques can help me ask for feedback? #9. How does feedback influence personal and professional growth? #10. What barriers might I face when accepting feedback? #11. How can I effectively clarify feedback misunderstandings? #12. What should I do when feedback feels unfair? #13. How can I create a feedback-friendly environment? #14. What methods can I use to solicit actionable feedback? #15. How can I give constructive feedback without being harsh? #16. What impact does my mindset have on feedback? #17. How can I cope with feedback-induced anxiety? #18. What are the steps to effectively integrate feedback? #19. How can I learn from feedback in real time? #20. What tools can help me track feedback progress?
feedback skills, constructive criticism, effective communication, personal growth, professional development, how to receive feedback, interpersonal skills, confidence building, leadership strategies, emotional intelligence, self-improvement, communication strategies
https://www.amazon.com/Thanks-Feedback-Considerations-Yourself-Receiving/dp/067004347X
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