Introduction
Summary of the Book Out of Character by David DeSteno and Piercarlo Valdesolo Before we proceed, let’s look into a brief overview of the book. Imagine opening a hidden door inside yourself and discovering a bustling crowd of voices, each offering different advice, hopes, and fears. This is what it’s like to live as a human being—our character is never a simple, singular thing. Instead, it’s shaped by countless factors: fleeting emotions, changing moral codes, subtle hints from our environment, cultural norms, and the hidden power of both reason and instinct. Often, we divide people into neat labels—good, bad, loyal, selfish—as if human nature were a series of tidy boxes. But beneath the surface, forces pull and push us in many directions. As you read these chapters, you’ll journey through surprising truths, discover how easily we bend rules, feel compassion, resist or embrace temptation, and learn that character is a dynamic landscape, not a fixed portrait.
Chapter 1: Discovering How Your Character Is Shaped By Constant Inner Battles, Shifting Influences, And Hidden Forces.
Imagine standing at a crossroads inside your own mind, where different parts of you tug in opposing directions. On one side, there’s a sensible, patient, and cautious voice urging you to save money, study for tomorrow’s test, or help a friend in need. On the other side, there’s a playful, impatient, or even mischievous whisper telling you to go out late, spend all your cash, or break a small rule just for fun. This tug-of-war is not a sign that you are two different people. Instead, it shows that character is not fixed like a stamped coin, but is always shifting and reshaping itself. Every day, your decisions emerge from dynamic interactions among desires, longings, moral values, emotional urges, and reasoned thoughts. In other words, your character isn’t carved in stone—it’s more like clay, forever ready to be molded.
The ancient Greeks used the term character to describe a permanent mark pressed into a surface, like the imprint on a coin that never fades. For centuries, we have clung to the idea that our core selves are similarly permanent, defining each person as either honest or dishonest, caring or selfish, diligent or lazy. But modern psychology teaches us something much more intriguing: our character behaves more like a shifting landscape that changes its shape when influenced by new experiences, social pressures, and emotional states. This means that even if we see ourselves as the responsible one or the kindhearted friend, given certain pressures or temptations, we might suddenly act in ways that seem completely out of line with that image. Our identities are flexible, responsive to surroundings, and more complicated than we like to admit.
Consider the timeless image of an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, each whispering suggestions into your ear. While this image is popular, it’s a drastic oversimplification. Our inner workings are more intricate than a simple good-versus-bad scenario. We are influenced by countless subtle factors: the emotions we feel at a given moment, the beliefs we hold, our backgrounds, the people around us, and even the time of day. What was easy to resist this morning might feel almost irresistible at night. A single laugh, a raised eyebrow, or a sudden mood can tip the scales in ways we barely notice. We contain a whole spectrum of possibilities, each waiting for the right trigger to surface and take the spotlight in how we think and act.
To better understand this complexity, think about the old fable of the ant and the grasshopper. The ant painstakingly saves food for winter, thinking ahead and planning for the future, while the grasshopper enjoys the present, singing carelessly without regard for tomorrow. Both these mindsets live within us. Sometimes, we identify strongly with the ant, making careful decisions that promise long-term benefits. Other times, we resonate more with the grasshopper, chasing immediate fun or pleasure. The truth is that both impulses are natural and necessary. Life has no absolute guarantees, and we often must guess whether it’s better to invest in future gains or savor pleasures right now. In this unpredictable world, our character can lean toward the ant on one day and the grasshopper on another, reminding us that nothing is fixed forever.
Chapter 2: Understanding That Morality And Hypocrisy Are Not Opposites But Often Two Sides Of The Same Coin.
From childhood, we are taught that being moral is right and being hypocritical is wrong. We imagine a neat division between virtuous behaviors—like honesty, kindness, and fairness—and dishonorable ones—like lying, cheating, and betraying trust. Yet real life rarely fits such tidy categories. In reality, hypocrisy and morality often overlap in surprising ways. A person who publicly condemns a harmful act might privately engage in it. Another who prides himself on fairness might twist his own rules when it benefits him. This doesn’t necessarily mean people lack morals. Instead, it suggests that what we call hypocrisy often emerges when individuals shift their moral reasoning to suit their circumstances, convincing themselves that what they do is somehow justified or different. Our minds are clever at making exceptions that fit our current wants.
Consider a scenario where someone preaches about honesty, yet secretly cheats on their taxes. They may still see themselves as a fundamentally good person. Their mind will construct justifications, like telling themselves the government wastes money or that everyone else cheats a little. Psychologists have tested how easily people adjust their moral judgments depending on who is involved. In one experiment, participants rated their own self-serving choices as moderately fair, but the exact same behavior performed by another person was labeled as unfair. This mental trick allows individuals to preserve their self-image as good while indulging in moral slip-ups. Hypocrisy arises not from the total absence of morals but from the ease with which we can bend rules to shield our self-esteem and comfort.
Moral decisions are influenced by subtle shifts in our feelings. Logic alone doesn’t rule the moral domain. In one study, people who watched a silly comedy show were more inclined to approve of pushing a man off a bridge to save others than those who watched a serious documentary. The change in emotional state affected their readiness to take a harsh action. Our moral compasses are not fixed needles pointing toward true north. They can be swayed by emotions, moods, and even social context. What seems monstrous in a calm setting may appear justified under stress or after a hearty laugh. Emotions shape how we weigh right and wrong, allowing moral boundaries to stretch or contract based on the moment.
This interplay between hypocrisy and morality reminds us that humans are complex creatures. We live in a gray area, not in black-and-white moral worlds. Our values, while important, do not function like strict, unchanging rules of math. Instead, morality can be more like a flexible tool that bends to fit the circumstances, pressures, or feelings at hand. A person who appears upright might stumble when temptation strikes. Conversely, someone who has made moral mistakes can still have a caring heart. Understanding this complexity encourages empathy rather than harsh judgment. It also reminds us to stay alert to how easily we can be swayed and to seek ways to keep our moral integrity balanced, even when life tempts us to cheat ourselves out of authenticity.
Chapter 3: Realizing That Even Deeply Loyal Lovers Might Unexpectedly Yield To Sudden Waves Of Lust.
When two people commit to a loving relationship, we like to imagine that they build an unbreakable bond, a wall so strong that no temptation could break it down. Yet human nature is more fragile and fluid. Even those who love wholeheartedly can find themselves drawn to someone new, feeling strong waves of attraction they never expected. Lust is often straightforward to understand—usually tied to physical appeal or raw chemistry—while love is far more mysterious and difficult to define. Philosophers like Plato imagined that humans were once split in half, and we spend our lives searching for our missing part. But how can we know when we have truly found our other half, and what stops us from being pulled astray by fleeting physical desire?
From an evolutionary perspective, many of the features that attract us—like symmetrical faces or certain body proportions—signal good genes and health. These signals tug at ancient instincts that once helped our ancestors choose strong partners for survival. Modern life may be different, but these impulses persist under the surface. When hormones surge, they push and pull us toward potential mates, and resisting can feel like swimming against a powerful current. Researchers have found that even subtle cues—like the scent of a person’s unwashed T-shirt—can spark attraction in surprising ways. In experiments, women who were at the peak of their fertility preferred the smell of symmetrical men’s shirts, suggesting that hidden biological forces are constantly shaping who we find appealing.
However, love isn’t just about physical attraction. Beyond the initial spark lies a complex dance of emotional bonds, trust, shared experiences, and comfort. We look not only for someone who looks healthy but also for a partner who listens, understands our feelings, and supports our dreams. Sometimes, what we find attractive changes with our moods, hormones, and life phases. When people are feeling secure and stable, they might value loyalty and kindness more. When they are feeling adventurous or restless, a flash of allure or novelty can feel irresistible. The interplay between love and lust is a ceaseless dance: one moment stable, the next moment unsettled.
Jealousy adds another layer of complexity. When a partner senses a threat, even a small one, they might react strongly, acting in ways that feel out of character—perhaps becoming cruel or vindictive. Researchers discovered that when people feel jealous, they might be quick to punish a potential rival in petty or even harmful ways. This shows that our loving, loyal sides are not stable fortresses but rather shifting fronts in the battle between commitment and temptation. Understanding that no one is immune to these forces can make us more compassionate and cautious. We can learn to recognize hormonal pulls, emotional swings, and vulnerable moments, and try to keep love and loyalty strong even when lust tries to lure us into new territory.
Chapter 4: Learning That Pride Can Fuel Hard Work And Growth, But Fake Pride Leads Us Astray.
We often hear that pride is a deadly sin, lumped together with greed and envy. But not all pride is harmful. When we feel genuine pride in a job well done, that emotion can motivate us to strive higher, push harder, and reach for bigger goals. Picture a student who aces a tough exam after weeks of diligent study. The pride she feels energizes her to tackle even more challenging subjects, growing her abilities rather than settling for less. Positive pride, grounded in real accomplishments, can help us rise above doubts and overcome obstacles. It signals to ourselves and others that we can achieve something meaningful through persistent effort and skill.
Experiments reveal that prideful body language—standing tall, chest out—often conveys confidence. Others respect those who radiate genuine pride because it suggests competence and resilience. When we earn praise and see our efforts recognized, it inspires us to keep improving. Self-confidence and a sense of achievement can steer us toward becoming more assertive and creative. This kind of pride is not arrogance; it is more like a healthy fuel that keeps our personal engines running. By taking pride in our work, we sharpen our talents, deepen our knowledge, and gradually become more capable and responsible.
However, there is a darker side known as hubris, a kind of hollow pride unearned by real effort or accomplishment. This inflated self-image can push people to act superior, boastful, or dismissive of others without having done the work to back it up. Hubris might emerge to protect our sense of self-worth when we feel threatened or insecure. For instance, someone who loses their job might pretend they are still successful, putting on airs to convince themselves and others they have not stumbled. While it may temporarily shield their ego, hubris creates distances between people, inviting resentment and distrust.
Yet even hubris can sometimes serve a protective purpose. After a crisis, projecting confidence—however false—can offer a mental lifeline. It prevents a person from sinking into despair, granting them time to rebuild genuine achievements. If balanced with realism and a willingness to learn, a person might move from hollow pride to true accomplishments. The key lies in distinguishing between pride earned through honest effort and pride inflated by denial. Recognizing this difference allows us to embrace positive pride as a driving force, while staying humble enough to avoid the trap of faking success. That way, we can grow our skills and maintain respect without poisoning relationships or fooling ourselves with empty bravado.
Chapter 5: Discovering How Compassion Arises When We See Ourselves In Others, Yet Cruelty Lurks When We Feel Separate.
Think about a time you felt deeply moved to help another person—maybe a classmate who was struggling, or a stranger who dropped their groceries. Compassion often sparks when we recognize something of ourselves in others. We see a shared humanity, common hardships, or familiar emotions. This sense of connection can happen on a grand scale, too. In places torn by conflict, a surprising event—like cheering together for a national sports team—can temporarily unite opposing sides, reminding them they belong to a single human family. When people feel part of an us, caring flows more naturally, and even sworn enemies can experience brief moments of understanding and cooperation.
But compassion’s opposite—cruelty—can emerge just as easily when we draw sharp lines between us and them. When we view others as foreign, different, or less worthy, it becomes easier to ignore their pain. History is filled with tragic examples of groups who mistreated outsiders by viewing them as objects or pests rather than fellow humans. People might cross the street to avoid someone who looks poor, refuse to help a stranger in need, or even commit violence against groups they consider other. This inclination can start with simple, everyday judgments based on appearances, rumors, or stereotypes. The mind easily convinces itself, They are not like me, so I do not owe them my kindness.
Studies show that even small nudges toward belonging can reduce cruelty and boost empathy. If people are reminded of shared interests or similarities—a favorite team, a common hobby, or a shared language—they become more willing to lend a hand. Likewise, exposing ourselves to people from different backgrounds, cultures, and walks of life widens our sense of us. The more we learn about others, the harder it becomes to maintain the illusion that they are fundamentally alien. Instead, we begin to appreciate that we all hunger for meaning, security, love, and a better life. In a sense, compassion grows with familiarity and recognition.
To nurture compassion, it helps to think beyond labels and categories. What if we saw every new face not as a stranger but as another human navigating life’s ups and downs, just like we do? With that mindset, we might reach out more often, share resources more willingly, and refrain from cruelty. The world becomes richer and kinder when we expand our circle of caring. While it may not turn lifelong enemies into best friends overnight, even small steps toward recognizing each other’s humanity can soften hatred, build bridges, and open the door to understanding. Compassion, like character itself, is never fixed. It grows or shrinks depending on how we view ourselves and those around us.
Chapter 6: Uncovering How Gratitude Shapes Our Willingness To Help, Trust, And Treat Others Fairly.
Think of the last time someone did you a small kindness—maybe they helped fix your computer, shared their notes, or offered you a seat. That simple gesture likely warmed your heart and made you feel grateful. Gratitude is not just a pleasant feeling. It’s a powerful force that encourages us to repay kindness and cooperate more. In experiments, people who were saved from a stressful predicament, like losing all their test data, felt thankful, even if they never met their rescuer. Later, these grateful people were more inclined to help strangers, as if their gratitude spilled over into the wider world. In short, gratefulness doesn’t just make us feel good; it nudges us to pay goodness forward.
Gratitude also builds trust. Imagine a scenario where you can choose whether to share resources with others, potentially doubling everyone’s gains if everyone cooperates. If you suspect that others might cheat, you might hold back and avoid risk. But feeling grateful, perhaps because someone recently helped you, can change your perception. Experiments show that grateful participants tend to trust more, giving away more tokens in cooperative games, thereby maximizing benefits for all. Gratitude loosens the grip of selfish fear, replacing it with a hopeful expectation that others will also act well. This positive cycle helps communities become more supportive and stable.
However, the power of social influence cuts both ways. If we witness someone blatantly cheat or get away with bending the rules, our moral barriers can weaken. We might think, If they’re doing it, why shouldn’t I? Studies show that when a single participant in a group claims unrealistic achievements—like solving far more math problems than possible—others begin to cheat too. A sense that wrongdoing is normal can push us to abandon moral principles. But gratitude can counterbalance this tendency. When we feel thankful, we remember what it’s like to receive kindness, and that memory can curb the temptation to follow the crowd into dishonesty.
The key is that emotions, especially gratitude, shape how we interpret situations. Feeling thankful makes us more generous, open, and confident in others’ goodwill. Without gratitude, we may become suspicious, hoarding resources and missing opportunities to cooperate. By consciously cultivating gratitude—appreciating what others have done for us, reflecting on kindness we’ve received—we can strengthen our ability to trust and help. This emotional shift alters not just one interaction, but can ripple out through entire networks of people. When we embrace gratitude, we encourage others to do the same, creating communities that lift each other up rather than drag each other down. Gratitude is thus a hidden pillar of moral behavior, a quiet force that helps balance our inner struggles.
Chapter 7: Revealing That Risk-Taking Isn’t About Fixed Traits But Shaped By Feelings, Age, And Shifting Expectations.
Are you cautious or bold? The truth is, you might be both. Your willingness to take risks often depends on how you perceive danger and reward. Imagine someone who usually saves money. If today they smell freshly baked cookies, promising quick enjoyment, they might suddenly gamble on a risky choice to get that sweet treat. Events, emotions, and environmental cues shift how we see what’s at stake. If a frightening story about plane crashes dominates the news, even a previously fearless traveler might refuse to board an airplane, not because the real odds changed, but because their perception did.
Risk preferences vary with age. Teenagers, for example, often seem more daring. Some of this comes from brain development. Teen brains are still maturing in how they assess long-term consequences. Without fully formed caution circuits, they lean toward thrills. Adults, on the other hand, often learn to weigh possible outcomes more carefully, though they can still be swayed by temporary moods. Anger can make someone overestimate threats, while happiness might make them too optimistic, expecting everything to turn out fine. Our ability to judge risk fairly can vanish under strong emotions, pulling our character toward bolder or safer actions depending on the moment.
Studies also show that how information is presented matters. If you highlight the risk of a disease more than the benefit of an early test, people are more likely to seek medical help. Fear focuses attention on avoiding loss, while hope encourages chasing gains. So even something as routine as reading a health pamphlet can change how we approach life’s gambles. We constantly adjust our behavior based on how we feel and what we think is likely to happen. If the world seems hostile, we might become guarded. If it seems full of promise, we might take leaps of faith.
Understanding that risk-taking depends on perception rather than a fixed character trait is liberating. It means you are not simply the coward or the daredevil. Instead, how you act can shift with context. Once you recognize that your moods and the stories you tell yourself shape your courage, you gain power. You can learn to pause and question your feelings before making a big decision. Perhaps the fear you feel is stirred by a recent scary headline, not an actual spike in danger. Or maybe your eagerness to invest everything in a new idea is influenced by a friend’s excitement rather than logical evidence. By stepping back and acknowledging these influences, you regain control, becoming a more balanced decision-maker, and discovering that your approach to risk can evolve as you grow.
Chapter 8: Realizing That Prejudices And Stereotypes Hide In Everyone, Ready To Surface Under Stress.
Most people like to think of themselves as fair and unprejudiced. Yet research shows we all carry hidden biases, rooted in ancient instincts that once helped our ancestors survive by quickly identifying threats. Sadly, these biases often outlive their original purpose and manifest as harmful stereotypes. For example, a teacher could easily convince young students that certain eye colors are superior. The children absorb this artificial division and start bullying those with the inferior trait. It’s startling how swiftly prejudice can form when authority figures plant such seeds.
Adults are not immune. Even though grown-ups have more self-control, strong emotions can drag hidden biases to the surface. Anger, stress, or fear might push someone to rely on mental shortcuts that categorize people by race, religion, or appearance. When we’re calm, we might never think of pulling a trigger in a simulation game at someone who is unarmed. But when we’re on edge, subtle biases can influence split-second judgments, resulting in tragic mistakes. The mind falls back on stereotypes, which often point fingers at groups who are unfairly seen as dangerous or less deserving.
Recognizing that these biases are universal doesn’t excuse them, but it does help us understand that prejudice isn’t the mark of a permanently evil soul. Rather, it’s a tendency we can learn to control and overcome. By exposing ourselves to diverse people, challenging our assumptions, and questioning our knee-jerk reactions, we can weaken the grip of these ingrained stereotypes. Just as we can train ourselves to pause before acting rashly when angry, we can also train ourselves to question prejudiced impulses. With practice, we can tune our moral compass to see individuals rather than caricatures.
This realization also encourages humility. Since we all have biases lurking in the shadows of our minds, we must remain vigilant. Avoiding prejudice takes active effort—educating ourselves, listening to the voices of those who are different, and reflecting honestly on our own reactions. It’s not about declaring ourselves free of prejudice and then moving on. It’s about constantly examining our thoughts, using empathy, and remembering that quick judgments often lie. By doing so, we give ourselves the chance to respond with fairness, kindness, and open-mindedness, rather than letting hidden biases shape our actions. In this way, we can gradually weaken stereotypes and become more just, compassionate beings.
Chapter 9: Embracing The Idea That Your Character Evolves With Each New Influence, Emotion, And Experience You Encounter.
As we have seen, character is not a rigid statue. Instead, it is fluid and ever-changing, sculpted by shifting conditions. One day, you might feel generous because you are grateful for a friend’s help. Another day, you might feel suspicious because you witnessed a stranger cheat. The context you find yourself in, the emotions that swirl inside you, and the examples you observe around you all join together to shape your moment-to-moment choices. Even when you think you know who you are—honest, kind, or disciplined—unexpected challenges can provoke uncharacteristic actions. You might discover strengths you never realized you had or, conversely, stumble into moral pitfalls you believed yourself immune to.
This understanding need not be discouraging. Instead, it can be freeing. Realizing that no one is permanently locked into being the saint or the sinner helps us approach others with more compassion and patience. When someone acts poorly, we can wonder what influences led them astray, rather than labeling them as rotten to the core. When we ourselves fail to live up to our ideals, we can reflect on the triggers and environments that nudged us off track, rather than assuming we are doomed to be that way forever. Character’s fluidity means that just as negative behaviors can emerge, positive changes can also occur with the right encouragement.
By understanding character’s shifting nature, we gain tools to shape our own moral growth. We can choose to surround ourselves with people who inspire good behavior, practice gratitude to encourage trust and cooperation, or deliberately seek out experiences that expand our sense of empathy. We can become aware of how moods, media, rumors, or overheard comments sway our judgments and learn to question these signals. The more we realize that our character evolves, the more we can guide it, striving to reinforce the virtues we care about and curtail impulses we find harmful.
In this sense, character isn’t a single trait we either have or lack. It’s more like an ongoing story, continually revised with each new chapter of life. Sometimes it will surprise us by showing courage where we expected fear, kindness where we expected anger, or dishonesty where we anticipated honesty. But each surprise offers a chance to learn. With each experience, we can refine our understanding of ourselves and others. If we approach character as flexible, we can shape it through awareness, effort, and insight, channeling the better angels of our nature and tempering our darker impulses. We become active authors of our moral journey, not just passive witnesses to it.
All about the Book
Unlock the secrets of human behavior with ‘Out of Character’, where psychology meets everyday life. Discover how circumstances influence actions, enabling you to better understand yourself and others for meaningful connections.
David DeSteno and Piercarlo Valdesolo blend psychology and neuroscience to explore deep questions about morality, character, and human relationships, empowering readers to navigate the complexities of interaction with insight.
Psychologists, Educators, Social Workers, Business Leaders, Counselors
Reading psychology books, Participating in community service, Engaging in team sports, Practicing mindfulness, Exploring social experiments
Character Development, Empathy Enhancement, Ethical Decision Making, Social Behavior Understanding
Our characters evolve through our experiences; to change our fate, we must first alter how we respond to life’s challenges.
Daniel Kahneman, Angela Duckworth, Adam Grant
American Psychological Association Award, Book of the Year by Psychology Today, The Distinguished Scholar Award
1. How do emotions shape our moral decisions daily? #2. Can understanding our feelings improve our self-control? #3. What role do social influences play in our choices? #4. How does empathy affect our behavior towards others? #5. Are our moral beliefs consistent across different situations? #6. How do cognitive biases impact our decision-making? #7. Can we train ourselves to be more compassionate? #8. What triggers our automatic reactions in stressful situations? #9. How can mindfulness alter our character and choices? #10. Are we inherently good or shaped by circumstances? #11. How does perception of fairness influence our actions? #12. What strategies can improve our emotional intelligence? #13. How do personal narratives affect our behavior? #14. Can understanding our character lead to personal growth? #15. How do relationships influence our moral judgments? #16. What is the connection between character and resilience? #17. Can we learn to override harmful instinctual responses? #18. How do our goals shape our ethical decisions? #19. What impact does culture have on our character? #20. How can vulnerability lead to stronger connections with others?
Out of Character book, David DeSteno, Piercarlo Valdesolo, psychology and character, emotional intelligence, behavioral science, influence of character, personal development, self-help, character change, understanding human behavior, science of personality
https://www.amazon.com/Out-Character-David-DeSteno/dp/132400413X
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